Dieting

So it has been a little while since I've posted here.  And I've felt some stagnation in my goals.  So I know it's time to step up.  I need to keep writing out my goals, my vision for the future.  And I need to worry less about HOW I am going to get there. 

Currently I am starting a diet.  I have wanted to lose weight for a while now, but haven't been sure about how/when to start the process.  I've been having a lot of back pain, so exercise is difficult, and some days not possible.  At the same time, I have 4 kids and a spouse all living on my income.  So we can't do expensive diet programs like Weight Watchers or Nutrasystem.  We also can't always afford the fresh vegetables and fruits and meats that are better for you.  Instead we have in the past relied too heavily on processed foods full of carbs and empty calories. 

And now I am starting a high-protein, low-carb diet.  A good friend of mine and my husband's recently lost over 40 pounds using this method.  So that inspired us to try it.  We did our weekly grocery shopping and bought a lot more meat, and a lot less carbs.  We didn't eliminate them completely, since we do have kids who need to stick with a balanced diet. 

We started this yesterday and it was different.  Eating just the meat and cheese for a sandwich, without bread, mayo, and tomatoes was odd.  And it's becoming clear that it requires more changes to your eating habits to accommodate the different types of food we are eating.  And Donny still can't believe that you can eat bacon, and eggs, and sausage, and hamburgers. 

But we both have a goal in mind.  I still have some pants with a 34 inch waist that I am determined to get back into.  I also have an image in my head, and on my vision board of what I should look like.  I don't want a chiseled chest and abs.  But I do want definition.  I want to see some muscle tone.  I want a flat stomach, a 34 in waist, and pecs (not manboobs).  You can check out an image of how I want to look here. 

For me, this is about more than just looking right.  I want a total health experience.  I need to lower my cholesterol and my doctor thinks that I can do it without medication.  I want more energy.  I do want to look good in a bathing suit (or at least without a shirt).  I also want to feel good.  I want to get rid of my back pain.  I want to be able to run or bike with my kids. 

Ideal Dayt

I got to lay in bed for a few minutes picturing my ideal day.

It begins (and ends) in bed, in my king size adjustable tempurpedic bed. I wake feeling rested from a sound sleep to the sounds of a Zen alarm clock. I walk from the master suite to the custom kitchen of our custom built rustic cedar log cabin. I make some coffee and head back to the bathroom where I shower in the hand-tiled mosaic shower. Then I get dressed for work (jeans, T-shirt, boots), grab my iPad, iPhone, and bag and head out to the garage to get into my F250 with off-road suspension, and tool boxes full of medical supplies. I turn on the satellite radio, punch in the first address to the GPS and start off on a day of treating farm animals.

Lunch is with Donny at a cute little cafe near his hospice. Then back to the animals.

In the evening, I come home to have dinner with my family, steaks on the grill. After dinner, and the boys are done their homework, I sit down at the computer and review the invoices for the day, using the electronic scanner to deposit checks and securing the cash until I can get to the bank.

After some TV (and Facebook of course), I get to climb back into that bed and drift off to sleep naturally.

My Calling

One of the biggest issues I've had with all of this is trying to envision what I could do for a living.  I've kept saying I want to be able to take care of our animals, but worried that I wouldn't be able to support our family just from the farm.  Then it hit me. 

I should be a veterinarian.  It is the perfect choice for me.  I love animals.  I love caring for animals, and I could take care of our animals. 

Most importantly, it feels right.  I want to do this.  And I can clearly see myself doing this.  I can specialize in either large animals, like cows and horses (and bison) or exotic animals and treat foxes, raccoons, lions, tigers, etc.  I could even get a job at The Wilds and treat all the animals there.  I'm really excited about this decision. 

There is a lot to figure out to get there, but I'm sure I can do it.  I have to take a lot of undergraduate classes before I can even apply to the program, but I am not worried about it.  I just know that it will work out. 

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

There is so much I need to tell you.  I have spent the past couple of weeks thinking about our relationship, about you, about how I’ve allowed you to control me.  And I have so many questions.  How can you be so selfish?  How can you be so shallow?  Can you really only care about money and appearances?  Do you really only care about what others think?  Are you incapable of defining your own worth without money or without the opinions of others? 

I am so angry with you still.  And the more I think about it, all I can find is that you have been this way my entire life.  So I need to list out all the examples of your selfish beliefs. 

1.     I have a picture of you from when you were pregnant with me, wearing a T-shirt that reads, “Tax Break”, with an arrow pointing to your stomach.

2.     When Dad bought his mom a car, you had to have the same one

3.     Although you claim that Dad needed you to have fur coat, you kept it long after you were divorced, because you wanted to give it to a daughter-in-law or granddaughter. 

4.     During your divorce, you fought over money that dad claimed was for Paige’s education.  Regardless of where that money came from, if you really cared about Paige the way you claimed, you would have rather let that money go to her than fight about it. 

5.     When Dad died, you contested the will because he used a portion of his life insurance to pay off his mother’s debt to you.  He knew you fight it, and that you would be a bitch to a grieving a mother about the money. 

6.     When I was living in DE, you offered me about $8-$10K as a down payment on a condo.  It was only after I contacted a realtor, looked at several places, and was ready to make an offer that you changed your mind and decided not to give it to me. 

7.     The fact that you handed over EVERY photo you have from when you were married to Dad says that you never really cared about him. 

8.     You married Dad very shortly after meeting him.  In the late seventies, you were a 30 year-old single woman with no kids.  It was socially unacceptable, and so you found dad, married him, and had kids.

9.     You bragged about not having to use coupons, but told Jon & I we couldn’t afford designer clothes.  But you certainly could.

10. A dried floral arrangement that I made for you was casually discarded as just trash.

11. You may have been pregnant with me when you married Dad, and had to get married quickly at City Hall before anyone found out. 

12. Lynn once told me that she wished she could have stayed in touch with me, if it hadn’t been for you.  I now think I know what she meant.  You blocked us from access to our family because you didn’t like them.  They were too southern for you. 

13. Since I told you 3 weeks ago that I never wanted to talk to you again, you just walked away.  Like it didn’t matter to you at all. 

14. It is clear that you favor your attorney son with a wife and 2 kids over your gay analyst son with 4 adopted minority children. 

15. As long as I can remember you have pushed me to be a doctor, or a businessman, despite my desires to be scientist or an architect or a photographer.  Those things that I wanted didn’t measure up as real jobs in your mind. 

16. When my family was in danger of losing our house, you were more concerned about paying a few bucks in fees to the bank than in helping us. 

17. When you wanted to be involved in my schooling, you had to become the president of the Board of Education.  You had to be in charge.  You had to make sure that teachers knew it was Nina Kelty’s kids in that classroom. 

18. I was your favorite student, as long as I was getting straight As.  When I started to slip, you said, “You’re smarter than that, you should be getting As!”  Dad said, “Did you try your hardest?”  I know you don’t see the difference, but it makes a huge difference to a boy who is struggling in school.  It’s the difference between saying, “Can you do better?” and saying, “You need to do better.”

19. Only once could you be bothered to take my brother and I to see my Dad when he was dying in the hospital. 

20. When you divorced Dad, we looked at several places to live, and buy before you settled on renting a small home.  This was probably because you had to look like you had less money and couldn’t afford something nicer. 

21. Once you did move you chose the “right” zip code close to the beach. 

22. When you bought the condo near the beach, you told me I could always call it home, despite not having a bedroom, and having to sleep in the basement. 

23. You used the fact that Dad bought a bike as evidence that he was hiding money from you during the divorce. 

24. You were insulted that Paige and Allison didn’t invite you to their weddings, but never bothered to talk to them after the divorce. 

25. You assumed that I should automatically know how to manage credit and money despite going out of your way to hide your finances from me as a child. 

26. When I needed a new water heater and had to have work done on my furnace and car, you offered to help with a decent some of money.  Then you sent FAR less than offered.  Enough less to be an insult rather than assistance.  Then you had the audacity to ask for a tax receipt for a donation to the non-profit I started.  Even though you wanted the money back! 

27. You couldn’t be inconvenienced to travel to Ohio to be there for my children’s adoptions, or adoption party.  And the best excuse you could come up with was because you were going on a cruise the week after!

28. When you confronted me about being gay, and I confirmed your worst fears, you couldn’t accept me until you had asked enough other people if it was okay to have a gay son.  It was only when you realized it was socially acceptable could you tolerate it. 

Basically Mom, this is a short list of the insults you have given to me over my lifetime.  At least the ones I can remember right now.  I know there are more.  You are a cold careless manipulative Bitch who is much more concerned with how society sees you than what your kids think of you. 

Well I’ll tell you what I think of you.  I hate you.  I can’t stand you.  I want nothing from you ever again, because it is never given in love.  It is given as a means of controlling me.  You give money because you have plenty of it, and can attach strings to it.  I owe you approximately $7000 and I intend to repay you every penny.   But you owe me so much more.  You owe me a lifetime of apologies for atrocities and abuses that you can’t even understand, let alone actually feel sorry for. 

And now that I have removed myself from your life, it will just be easier for you to brag about the good son.  The one who shares your aspirations of societal approval.  You can just ignore the fact that you ever had a gay son.  And now I’m sure that makes you even happier as I have 4 adopted minority children with drug exposure in their past and various troubles in school.  I want to quit my job at the bank to start a farm.  I want to be a photographer and architect. 

You know, I will never understand what isn’t acceptable enough about being a marine biologist, or an astrophysicist, or an architect.  The best I can figure is that you can’t easily enough explain what they do.  And they don’t make enough money.  I’m sure you were thrilled when I took this job at the bank.  At least you could brag about your son the banker.  I’m sure that was impressive enough for your NJ/FL friends. 

What you don’t know, and now never will is how happy I am doing what I love.  How much I love my kids, the way you never could.  I know that Dad always wanted to buy a farm in Montana (or somewhere) but “couldn’t figure out how to make it work”.  My guess now is that you wouldn’t allow him.  And he didn’t live long enough after you to try.  Dad spent money to be happy.  You spend money to be accepted. 

It has taken me 34 years to realize what kind of person you truly are.  And I’m sorry I ever knew you.  And I regret wasting so much of my life trying to please you instead of being true to myself. 

Photography

You know, something I've always dreamed of doing professionally is photography.  And lately that bug has really been eating at me.  So I'm giving it a try.  I'm not sure how (that'll come).  And there are a lot of reasons not to do it.  I don't have a camera.  I can't afford a professional camera right now.  I have no network, or portfolio, or connections.  And with all the other things going on in my life right now, I have no idea when I'm going to be able to focus on this.  But I'm taking the first step.

I am committing to trying photography.  I spent yesterday and today dying Easter eggs and celebrating Easter with some very good friends.  And I took a lot of photos.  And I don't think they are just snapshots.  OK, some of them are.  But it was a family event and I'm very proud and, and grateful for my family.  I am posting a few of the better ones here.  Comments welcome.

And I can imagine myself buying that Hasselblad that I want.  I can see myself spending a Saturday at a wedding.  I have a studio where I can do the traditional staged portraits.  But I also see myself taking and selling more artistic photography.  I see an opening at a gallery.  I see people buying my photos.

A check in the mail.

Today I received a check in the mail!  It was only for $120, but it was a check.  And it was $120 that I wasn't planning on or expecting.  This is a sign to me that I can see the law of attraction working.  I can see me shaping my life.  It isn't much, but is a start.  And it gives me hope to dream for bigger and better things. 

Why I'm grateful:
1.  True friends, who you know would do anything they can to help you.
2.  Unexpected money
3.  Bringing Noah's Arc Sanctuary to Gay Pride again this year.
4.  My oldest son's graduation at the end of May
5.  Meditation
6.  The full moon
7.  Candle magic
8.  Our new car
9.  Hiking in the woods and getting lost on your own property
10.  Success

In the movie The Secret, there is one scene when one of the speakers is describing vision boards.  And he talks about explaining them to his son.  He pulls one out to show his son and the words, "The Best Measure of Success is Joy" is written on it.

I just love that message.  I love what that implies.  And it has helped me to understand that I need to spend more time living in joy. 

So now to my vision:

Today I focus again on money.  I would like to receive $5000 in unexpected income within the next 30 days.  I don't know where this could come from.  I don't know how to get this money.  But I am asking for it.  And I believe that it will come.  I know that it will come.  So I see myself spending it.  I see myself going to the mailbox and opening the envelope that holds this check.  There is a short letter included to explain where it has come from and why I am receiving it now. 

Or I see myself getting an email stating that this money has been sent through PayPal to Noah's Arc Sanctuary, the non-profit animal sanctuary that I started a few years ago.

I can feel the momentary disbelief that I feel as I receive this wonderful gift.  I immediately start planning what this money is for.  I am making the plans for Gay Pride for Noah's Arc to have a float in the parade, and a booth to take pictures with our Ohio wildlife.  I am buying the camera and software that I need to be able to take these photos.  I am planning my son's graduation party and ordering his class ring.  I am thrilled to have this money, knowing how much stress this relieves.  I treat my family to a dinner out at a nice restaurant, to be grateful for this money and for the ability to use this money to make this world a better place, just a little at a time. 

Ok, so I forgot a couple of days.

Well this past week has been a roller coaster of a ride.  It seems I didn’t know what was happening half the time and the other half it was changing so quickly that I couldn’t keep up.  But it all worked out in the end. 
We were able to pay for the mortgage to keep the house out of foreclosure.  We were able to extend our time to put the down payment on the land, so we aren’t losing that.  On the down side, we did sell our Suburban and are down to one car for a short time.  But that will change in a few weeks. 
I’ve learned a lot about the law of attraction this week.  How it can work in extremely unexpected ways, how you have to follow through with inspiration because you never know what may come of it. 
Now we are looking at a smaller car when we are ready to replace the suburban.  Not too much smaller because it still needs to seat 6 with room for dogs and luggage (although that can go in trailer or on a roof rack).  We are back to planning for the cabin, although it looks like our timeline may have shifted.  We have a lot of ideas about what we want, but few ideas about how to get there, or how quickly to get there. 
But the important thing is that we are getting there.  We haven’t had to lose anything on our dreams and we continue to make progress toward them.  And I feel really good about that.  I feel very optimistic now.
So things I am grateful for:
1.    Our land, 45 acres of undeveloped woods and pasture in eastern Ohio. 
2.    Donny’s mom & her husband, whose help through our crisis made a huge difference
3.    Donny is again excited about and interested in the law of attraction
4.    I am starting physical therapy to get my back better
5.    Great new friends who share in my excitement for following my dreams
6.    Boating, whether leisurely sailing or powerboating and waterskiing, just being out on the water
7.    Weekend outings.  Taking the kids out to the farm for a day, or going to the zoo, or picking strawberries.
8.    Organizing my time, so that I minimize the need to multi-task.  When I am focused on a project, I am singularly focused on that project.
9.    Knowing there is enough money to buy the things I need and want, without having to plan and save for every small purchase
10.    A newer, smaller, more fuel efficient car that can seat 6 comfortably and tow a small livestock trailer.
My vision:
Today I want to focus on a specific scene.  It is the day we move Gretchen, our Icelandic horse to the farm.  Specifically, I see the moment that I pull onto the farm.  I am driving my burgundy Ford F250 Crew Cab, towing the livestock trailer.  I drive down Hoop Pole Rd and come over the hill before reaching our land.  And there is the driveway.  It is a gravel trail that stretches down from the road into the pasture and then back up to the house and barn, beyond the treeline.  It is a warm spring day and the air is heavy with the fragrance of flowering trees.  The windows are open in the truck and I can hear Gretchen shifting her wait in the trailer behind me.  As I start down the driveway, the trailer hitch groans and squeaks.  The gravel under the tires crushes and crumbles together, further compacting into place.  I check my mirrors to make sure the trailer is okay on the steep incline that leads us down and back up to the barn area.  It is mid-morning, and Eddie is in the truck with me.  I sip my still warm coffee, with French vanilla creamer.  Eddie and I have finished our McDonalds breakfast and the paper bag and wrappers are thrown in the back. 
The barn isn’t there yet and there is still work to be done on the house.  But it is liveable and Gretchen is just one of the many animals we need to move this week.  Because of the distance, we are moving just a few animals each day.  Then we work on the house and barn for the remainder of the day, before settling in for the night, or driving back to Dayton. 

Day 14: WTF happened!

So things took a wild turn yesterday.  In the end it all wound up for the best, but OMG! I can't believe some of the fallout from the events of yesterday.  I have to say that these are some pretty powerful signs.  I can say with confidence that much of the negative events were long overdue and inevitable.  They were needed to clear the way for better things.

The most unexpected and shocking event was that I had to sever communication with my mom.  Our relationship has been strained at best since I was about 14.  We've had good times and bad of course.  But whenever the topic of money came up it always got tense.  I'll admit that I've had to borrow money from her more times than I care to admit and still owe her a fair amount.  And I again had to ask her for more because my financial situation was dire.  In the past she has usually come through with something, and this time it was even more important.  So after stringing me on for a couple of days she announced that she had the money, but she wouldn't give it to me.  This is because it was in a CD and would cost her a fee to get it.  The reason I needed the money was to keep from losing my house.  I would have thought that her son keeping his house would be more important than a few bucks in fees.

While this is frustrating and stressful, the worst part is that this is only the most recent time it has happened.  She won't come to visit me because it's cheaper to fly to my brother.  And these examples go back all the way to when I was about 20.  She offered me money for a down payment on a condo.  After engaging a realtor, looking around and getting ready to make an offer, she changed her mind.

For a long time, I chose to believe that she really was trying to help, but was thinking with her heart instead of her head.  But this time it was clear that she values her money more than her son.  And I decided that I can't have that kind of relationship in my life anymore.

As fallout, my husband has had to ask his mom for money, which she cannot as easily spare.  We are having to sell one of our cars, and make more sacrifices around that decision.  We are pulling my youngest son out of daycare because we won't be able to transport him there.  So I will have to work from home 2-3 days a week.  Today my back and stomach are both in pain, and I'm sure it is in large part due to my nerves.  I don't know what further fallout will come from my mother.  But I am distancing myself from her drama.

In the end, we will be able to get the money needed to keep the house.  And we are finding new ways to work toward our farm goal.

Through out all of what happened yesterday, and I only described it briefly here, I was able to remain confident in my belief that we would find a way.  I knew that it would work out.  And I am able to see some silver linings around the dark clouds.

What happened with my mom should have happened a long time ago.  I never should have allowed the psychological abuse to go on for so long.  In the past I have tried to stand up to her, to explain why I get upset with her.  This time, I just told her off.  I just said no more. And I meant it.

As for the car, the one we are selling is a 2002 Suburban.  It is a large car with bad gas mileage.  In the next few months we will be able to replace, as I am expecting a very large check to come soon.  Although I was recently told it could still be up to 90 days before the money is sent.  But when we do replace it, we will be able to get something newer with fewer miles on it.  And smaller with better fuel efficiency.

I don't know how these events will change the relationship between my husband and his mom, and that is the part I am most worried about.  I don't know how long it may take for it to get back to where it was before. 

Day 13: Surprising Results

I spent time yesterday working to release my resistance to my vision and goals.  And I started to feel calm.  I feel confident.  I know in my heart that things are changing.  I know that we will have everything we desire. 

Last night we watched "What Dreams May Come" and I marveled at how like the Law of Attraction it is.  We paint our reality.  Our thoughts are what's real.  It was a great way to end the day.  And for some reason I didn't get bogged down in the sadness of death and dying and losing loved ones.  Instead I remained serene and peaceful.  It was a great feeling.  And one that I want to keep with me always. 

This morning I woke up to the alarm and my first thought was that I didn't want to go into the office today.  So I thought about my schedule and realized I didn't have to.  And with all that is going on at home I realized it was better for me to stay home today.  So I am working from home again.  And then I lay in bed and thought about my life the way I want it.  I thought about my house, my farm, my lifestyle and felt good about it. 

Gone was the anxiety over how are we going to do this.  Or worrying about "How can I dream about things like that when my life looks like this now?"  I'm not saying those feelings won't come back from time to time.  But I know that I want to hold onto the relaxed feelings that it will come.  And that dreaming about this is the first step in making it happen. 

I feel less tired this morning, even though I didn't get any more sleep than usual.  But I must have slept better.  And that means that something is working.  I woke up in the middle of the night still, but I didn't start to panic.  I didn't freak out about the unknowns in my life.  I was able to just roll over and go back to sleep. 

People for whom I am grateful:
1.  Bella, my cocker spaniel.  She came to me when I was in a bad relationship and needed a companion to get me through.  She has stayed with me since and is very affectionate and playful. 

2.  My mom, without whom, I wouldn't be here to achieve these goals.

3.  My dad, who I know is watching over me always.

4.  Donny, my husband, my soulmate.  I know that we are going to achieve all that we desire. 

5.  Eddie, my oldest son.  He has such intelligence and works so hard.  I know that he will find his path in life. 

6.  Esequiel, my next.  He is so generous and compassionate.  He always thinks about getting things for other and wants to make sure that everything is fair. 

7.  Marcus, my 6 year old.  He is so inquisitive and soaks up knowledge like a sponge.  He loves to dance and reminds me to dance more too.

8.  Juan, my youngest.  He is so cute and loving.  He is a cuddler, but a solid little boy. 

9.  Jon, my brother.  I know that I can trust him with anything.  I know that he will never judge me and will always listen and help me solve any problem. 

10.  Bob Doyle.  He teaches about the Law of Attraction.  I first saw him speak in the movie, "The Secret" Something about what he said caught my ear.  Since then, I have purchased one of his books, Follow Your Passion, Find Your Power.  I have listened to some of his podcasts and have started using his techniques to make the Law of Attraction work for me.

My Vision: 

More about my cash on hand.  I have in the past struggled to have cash on hand.  I have at one time or another received a large sum of money, as an inheritance, or cashing out a 401K.  But I've always let that money dissipate quickly and sometimes didn't have anything to show for it.  Other times I could point to a car, or a home improvement project and be grateful for the money that allowed that to come into my life. 

I wasn't born into a lot of money.  My family was a reasonably typical family with a moderate income.  But when I was still very young, my father got a job working as a real estate attorney in the New York area.  He started to make a lot of money.  But it only lasted for a few years before he left his job.  I've been told that he quit to spend more time with his family and that he was fired for having an affair.  I will never know the truth.  And it doesn't matter. 

The point is that we only spent a few years living very well with a lot of income.  We had 20-30 acres of land, a pool & hot tub, a tennis court, cattle & horses.  We lived on an estate and had a sailboat and inflatable speed boat for water skiing.  I spent a few years of my childhood knowing extreme wealth. 

And whatever the external cause, I'm convinced the internal causes had to do with my parents attitude toward money.  My tried to teach me to save every penny.  My dad did a better job of teaching me to spend everything.  By living his extravagant lifestyle showed me that its ok to go into debt to have "nice things".  But they never taught me to spend wisely, or how to use credit.

And at 18 I could blame for the mistakes I made.  But at 34 I can't anymore.  I've lived long enough to learn how to manage money.  I've been a bookkeeper and learned how to forecast cash flow.  I can apply the techniques to a business or my personal expenses.  But I don't enjoy it.  It is work.  It is cumbersome.

And so I envision a life where I don't have to manage every penny.  Where I can easily afford to save more than I will ever need, and still be able to spend freely on the things I want and need.  Now I make a decent living and even though I am the primary earner for a family of 6, we should not be in financial crisis.  And yet we are.  And we have been for a while.  

Admittedly, this is not my dream job.  And part of me wants to just walk out and follow my passion.  But I have a responsibility to care for my family.  Until recently I thought that meant I had to sacrifice my dreams to make enough money to care for them.  Now I realize that I can keep my job and earn the living we need, while pursuing my passions.  When my passions become profitable, I will be able to leave my job without feeling guilty or worrying about my family.  If I were to quit today, I would feel guilt and worry, and not be free to follow my passion.  But I know that day is coming. 

And every day I work to find ways to do that.  And I work on the feelings of anxiety that I have about work, about giving up my reliable job for one that is personally rewarding.  And I try to walk away from worrying about my financial situation, knowing it is changing for the better.  There is nothing I can do right now to improve my situation.  I have done all that I can, and I must allow the Universe to work for me.  To provide me with my desires. 

Just writing about this gives me anxiety and there is resistance still to release.  And I am releasing it a little at a time.  So again, I look to my vision of having all the cash available that I need.  I can go to local markets and buy fresh vegetables from local farmers.  I can buy whole grain breads.  I can buy filet mignon and tenderloin cuts of beef and bison.  My boys can earn presents for doing well in school.  We can take vacations as often as we like to whereever we want. 

Day 12: Time to commit fully

I've been trying this on for a while, and I've seen some results.  Some have been good, some not so good.  But I'm starting to recognize the signs that I'm being given.  I know now that I have some issues with resistance and feeling like I deserve to receive what I want from the Universe, and I'm working on that.  So I can expect better things to come my way.  And I can expect that I am attracting those things into my life that I consciously want.  I am committing everyday to post to this blog a list of 10 things I am grateful for, and a better clearer image of my vision.  I will also spend time everyday working on removing the resistance that I have to achieving these goals.

Things to be grateful for:
1.  Working from home in a black sweatshirt when you spill strawberry preserves all down your shirt while eating breakfast.

2.  The bills I am able to pay

3.  The IRS, because they are responsible for the tax code that is allowing me to receive such a generous tax refund this year.

4.  Physical Therapy to cure my back pain without having to be sliced open, or take pain medications for the rest of my life.

5.  The financial troubles that came upon me last week, because they alerted me that I need to reorganize everything, and take some different steps to get this resolved.

6.  The dirty dishes in the sink, because it reminds me that we can afford to feed our family every day.

7.  The rising price of gas, because it makes me think about how I can drive less and better conserve gas.  This will allow us a little more time to find an alternative solution.

8.  The endless barrage of stories about gay bashing and victims of bullying, because it reminds me that we need to shift our focus away from the bashing and bullying, to the stories of love, of acceptance.  The ones that do have happy endings.

9.  The Presidential campaign, because we live in a democracy, where the will of the people determines who is in charge and what the laws are.

10.  The dogs barking in the neighbors' yards, because it encourages me to focus on my goals, most notably of getting the farm ready so we can move there.

Okay, so you may have noticed that today's list is all things we don't usually think to show gratitude toward.  I wanted to take a stab at spinning all the negativity going around.  I want to find ways to be grateful for everything in my life.  So if I can look at a bad thing and find a way to make it good, I can keep the good feeling.  I can stay in a feeling of gratitude, even when something goes a little awry.

Now on to my vision.  Yesterday I posted a lot of specific things that I want and a little detail about each.  Now I want to go back and take a deeper look at each of those and add some detail about each.

For today, I am going to focus on my cash situation.  Yesterday I wrote:

I want to have enough money to pay for any and all of my children to go to college without getting into debt.  I want to pay off my debt and live comfortably on cash.  I want to always have a surplus of cash to pay for emergencies, and unexpected expenses.  I want to buy what I want, when I want it, without having to plan and save for it.  I want to buy as much food as I want and eat whatever I like, regardless of cost.  I want to drive as much as I want and not think about the cost of gas.  

I took the advice from the Secret and from Bob Doyle.  I took a copy of my bank statement and replaced the current balance with a new desired amount.  I made this on my computer and saved the image as my desktop.  So everyday when I look at my computer, I see my bank statement with a balance of $5M.  This is a somewhat arbitrary number.  But it is a big number.  The important thing is that I don't want to think about money.  And I don't want to use credit.  In the past I have used credit badly and I would feel better being able to pay cash for everything.  And having $5M in my savings and checking accounts would mean that I can.  I would be able to just buy what I want, when I want.  And to me it implies that there is more money in other types of investments.  It is a symbol of wealth and prosperity.  It means that I am able to protect, care for and provide for my family. 

When we go grocery shopping, I can afford to buy steaks and bison meat.  I can get lots of fresh vegetables and avoid less healthy processed foods.  I can smell the steaks grilling outside, smell fresh flowers in the house.  I can taste the steaks, taste the light marbling in the filet mignon.

I can hear the boys playing the yard with new toys that they received because of good behavior and grades.  We don't need to wait until a birthday or Christmas to buy them things.  They are wearing new clothes.

I buy gas for the car whenever I need it, and don't think about if/how to reduce the amount I drive.

I manage my cash flow effectively and efficiently to allow my family to always have what they want.  I am in vibrational resonance with receiving and having large amounts of cash.

As my children express interest in extracurricular activities, I am able to enroll them in these activities.  Money is never a reason for my children not to engage in activities.  When they finish grade school and start college, I can afford to pay for their tuition without using further loans. 

In addition to having money to provide for my family, I am also teaching my children to be responsible and careful with money.  I teach them to live in abundance and how to manage any credit that they do use. 

Day 11: I skipped the weekend

What I’m grateful for:

1. That I’m not having surgery for my back, that physical therapy should be able to cure my back pain.
2. That I have a flexible job that lets me adjust my work situation to accommodate my personal needs
3. To have a car for each of the drivers in our house, so we never have to share, or take turns.  We can always just go when we need/want to.
4. That we have a plan to get out of the financial situation we are in.
5. That we have insurance to be able to afford the medical care we need.
6. For crisp spring mornings when the air smells clean and fragrant and the sound of birds singing fills the air as the sun begins to rise earlier and warm the world with golden light
7. For high speed internet access that allows me to work from home efficiently
8. For the look for pure joy on my children’s faces at receiving even the smallest of gifts.
9. For warm freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, fresh from the oven, still soft and gooey to the touch, with a tall glass of ice cold milk.
10. For every day that I’m able to come up with 10 things to be grateful for.

My Vision:

The last time I worked on this, I struggled to get much detail about my vision.  I realized part of that was that the vision that I “share” with Donny isn’t exactly shared.  I want it to be bigger and wealthier than we talk about.  There are also many components of my vision that are not part of his, and vice versa.  And I have been trying to focus more on his vision than mine. 

So I’m working on letting go of my inhibitions and reservations.  I’m working on expressing my dream the way I want it to be. 

I want to have a job that allows me to be creative and artistic, that allows me to work outside of an office and away from fluorescent lights.  When I am in the office, I want it to be a small office with fewer employees, designed in a way that makes it feel very comfortable and homey, not sterile and corporate.  I want music to be heard throughout the office and plants and open design areas, with natural lighting for work.  I want to work on a laptop, on a MacBook.  I want my work to take me out of the office, to travel some.  I want to be able to work from home.  I see myself as an architect or photographer.  I want a job where I don’t have to worry about being open about being gay, where it is just accepted like any other fact about me.  I want to love my job.  I don’t want it to feel like work.  I want to marvel that I get paid for doing it. 

I want to contribute to social welfare.  I want to work with, or donate to charities that provide for those less fortunate.  I want to attend protests and marches for equal rights and animal rights.  I want to do something to help protect the environment.  I want to know that I am doing something to make a difference in this world.  I want to do what I can to leave my children a better world than what I have known.

I want to take my family on fabulous vacations to exotic destinations.  I want my younger boys to experience the thrill of flying in an airplane.  I want to take them swimming with dolphins, and with sharks.  I want to visit Europe.  I want to visit San Francisco and Napa Valley.  I want to take them horseback riding and camping and hiking.  I want to climb Machu Picchu with them.  I want to go camping in Yellowstone Park and see Mount Rushmore.  I want to see the Grand Canyon, and the Painted Desert.  I want to vacation at the ocean and where it’s warm.  I want to use up the time off I’m given, or better, be able to take working vacations where my family and I can visit wonderful sites and I can get paid for being there.  I want to visit New York City and Philadelphia and Washington DC.  I want my boys to be exposed to the world and choose, from experience where they want to be when they are older. 

I want to have enough money to pay for any and all of my children to go to college without getting into debt.  I want to pay off my debt and live comfortably on cash.  I want to always have a surplus of cash to pay for emergencies, and unexpected expenses.  I want to buy what I want, when I want it, without having to plan and save for it.  I want to buy as much food as I want and eat whatever I like, regardless of cost.  I want to drive as much as I want and not think about the cost of gas. 

I want to live in a large log cabin with enough room for my children and family to always have a place to stay when they visit.  I want a large master bath with multiple shower heads.  I want a Jacuzzi bathtub where I can stretch out and soak in hot water whenever I want to relax.  I want a huge great room, with lots of windows and vaulted ceilings and a fireplace.  I want to be able to stay in this home for the rest of my life.  I want a home that powered by solar and wind and heated with geothermal heating.  I want to collect and reuse rainwater and gray water for as much as we can.  I want our home to be energy efficient and environmentally friendly. 

I want a greenhouse and a garden where I can grow fresh herbs and vegetables.  I want tomatoes and basil and oregano, and carrots and lettuce, and broccoli, and cucumbers.  I want to learn about medicinal herbs and be able to grow and use them to naturally treat illnesses that occur in our home.  I want to make my own aromatherapy products from the plants that I grow. 

I want to be healthy.  I want to have the stamina and strength and endurance to achieve all my goals.  I want to complete a triathlon.  I want to play soccer with my boys.  I want to keep up with them all the time.  I want to sleep soundly through the night.  I want to stop taking medication. 

I want my family to always be close.  I want us to share everything with each other and never judge for any of the decisions we make.  I want my boys to achieve all their dreams and want for nothing.  I want them to know they are loved, and know they are cared for.  I want my children to always feel at home in my house, no matter how old they get or where they choose to live. 

I want a farm.  I want to raise bison and deer.  I want more than 100 acres of pasture land, and more than 50 head of bison.  I want to sell the meat at farmer’s markets, and online.  I want to sell the meat to organic grocers like Whole Foods.  I want to be able to provide for my family from the sale of the bison. 

I want to work through my resistance and fully embrace my dreams.  I want to realize my goals.  I want to end the cycles of the past and more forward into abundance, wealth, and health. 

Day 10:

Things to be grateful for:

1.  The sounds of the birds chirping outside. 
2.  The ringing of the grandfather clock that reminds me of my deceased grandmother's house
3.  The smell of freshness after a rain shower. 
4.  Percoset
5.  The appointment with the back surgeon on Monday.  I'm finally going to find out if I can have surgery to get rid of my back pain. 
6.  The laundry drying on the clothes line
7.  Spending time with my boys
8.  Coffee
9.  Hot showers that don't run out of hot water, no matter how long you stay there.
10.  Naps

My vision:

Why is it so hard for me to describe my vision?  Am I afraid of my vision?  Is it not my vision?  I love the vision of having a farm, of raising bison, of living where peacocks can wander freely around the yard.  I love the look and feel of a cabin.  I love being surrounded by nature.  So what is my resistance to this vision? 

My vision isn't just about the farm.  It is about a lifestyle.  An abundant lifestyle.  And I'm afraid that the farm alone won't provide the income we need to live that lifestyle. 

My vision includes waking up and sitting at the computer and browsing the news while sipping my coffee, hot steaming coffee with french vanilla cream in it.  A fresh toasted bagel with butter and strawberry preserves.  After this restful and slow wake up, I can feed the animals and make sure everything on the farm is taken care of.  After that, I can go back to my computer, in my office and start working.  I can check the results of the analysis I had running overnight.  I can review the books for the farm and the business. 

My vision includes travel.  Travel to Europe, travel around the US.  Spending time taking road trips.  Going to conferences on how to better run our farm and raise our animals.  Taking classes on animal husbandry or prevention of illnesses. 

Yes I want to live on a farm and run a farm.  But I don't want to just run the farm.  I want more than that.  And I need to get past the resistance that I have that family farms are broke and rely on government assistance to get by.  45 acres is a good start, but I want more.  I want bigger.  I want a lot of things and I don't want to feel restricted.  I want to be able to take my boys to exotic places.  I want them to experience all the luxuries of life. 

My dream doesn't stop at the 45 acres in Muskinghum county.  I want to get more land and make more of it.  I want to be wealthy.  I want my children to experience some of the life I had growing up, at least for part of my childhood. 

That is why I choose to live in abundance.  I choose to be happy.  And I choose not to settle for anything less than my perfect dream.  I know I still have resistance to it.  I can feel the anxiety in my chest when I think about it.  But I am excited to dream big. 

I have no idea how we are going to go bigger than my dream.  But we will.  I will.  And it starts now.  It starts with 45 acres and a log cabin.  It starts with 1 step at a time. 

Day 9: Oops.

I didn't post yesterday.  I have to try to keep on this path everyday.

Yesterday was a good day.  I listened to an audiobook about the law of attraction and learned some new and important information about making it work.  The book talked a lot about resistance and removing that resistance.  It also talked about writing out my visions clearly with lots of emotional description, and keeping a gratitude journal, where I can write out everyday the things I am grateful for.

Since I'm already writing here daily, I will use this space for both purposes.  For starters the things I am grateful for:

1. My husband: Donny is the best thing that ever happened to me.  He is kind and compassionate.  He is empathic and always knows what I am feeling and usually what to say to make me feel better.  He brings out the best in me and makes me want to be a better person.

2.  My kids: all four of them.  Each of them has their own personality and interests.  Even though they sometimes drive me crazy, they are the true joy of my life.  I can't help smile when I think of them.   I see all the potential they have for the future.

3.  My job:  I like what I do.  I like the people I work with.  And the company treats its employees really well.  I really did a good job finding this job.

4.  My dreams:  Donny & I have some great plans for the future and I am excited to think about all those things we are accomplishing.  We are working on buying the farm and building the cabin.  And just yesterday, we got some really good news about the cabin.  We found a company that could save us thousands of dollars to have it built.

There are lots more things to be grateful for, but for today I will leave it at that.  Everyday I will list out some more things I am grateful for.

Now to my vision.  Here is how I see the future we are creating.

I am thrilled at having our custom designed cedar log cabin built.  The rustic look of the cabin blends in beautifully with the surrounding woods.  In the summer, when the trees are full you can't even see the neighbors and feel completely isolated.  The small but cleanly landscaped yard around the cabin is full of animals.  This is where the foxes, raccoons, peacocks with their radiant tails, chickens, horses and deer all live.  Some of them (the predators) are in large natural enclosures surrounding the traditional red barn.  The birds and deer have much more space to run free around the house and barn, going into the barn at night for safety. 

Below the hill that house sits on is most of the rest of our land.  Much of it is fenced off for the bison and llamas.  The ducks live in the pond that also serves as the water source for the livestock.  There are also large areas of untouched woods where the boys spend much of the summer hiking and camping and playing.  Nearer to the house, but not in view, there is a tree house for the boys to play in. 

All day long, you can hear the sounds of nature around us.  The ducks quacking away in the pond, the bison bellowing and the llamas bleating in the pasture.  The chickens and peacocks squawking away in the yard.  As the seasons change, so change the sounds.  The animals going into heat and calling for mates.  The chirping of baby birds in the spring. 

The smells of nature fill the air.  The blossoming of flowers, fresh cut grass, the musky scent of foxes in heat, the manure spread out through the pasture. 

This is the part I need to work on.  I need to be able to better visualize my goal. 

Day 6: A little late & Day 7: A fresh start

Ok, so this should have been posted yesterday, but I couldn't.  It was a bad day for me yesterday.  I was depressed and overwhelmed.  I spent a lot of time yesterday thinking about what I am doing with my life, whether I should be doing something else and how can I think about big dreams when I can't even manage the smaller day-to-day issues. 

I listened to a podcast from Bob Doyle yesterday about his Boundless Living Challenge and heard several inspiring stories about people pursuing their passions.  That made me think about some of the passions I have given up on in my life.  I wanted to be an architect, a photographer, an astrophysicist.  And I would still love doing any of those things.  But they aren't in the cards right now.  I am a marketer for a bank.  And I do like what I do, and who I work with.  The worst part of my job is wishing I could work for a greater good, instead of corporate profits. 

But I also have a family to think about.  And our family has dreams that we share, that we are working on.  I've mentioned our farm plan and really do want to make that happen.  I am never happier than when I am with animals outside. 

So after a little talking and crying about what isn't, I am ready to start focusing again on what is, and what will be.  I can still work on being a photographer, and will.  And I want to focus on the farm first and foremost.  I'm not sure if Bob Doyle's Boundless Living Challenge is still going on, but if so, I'm going to participate. 

In a way that is what this blog is about.  It is about making myself focus on my goals each and every day and spending time attracting those goals to me. 

Last night after I finished my pity party, I was able to do some thinking about the plans for the barn.  We had sketched out a custom design for a barn that we've realized is probably more than we need, and more than we want to spend.  So we did a little searching on the internet and found some other ideas.  We picked out one that we really like, that is more traditional looking that we were going for with our custom design.  We just have to modify the placement of stalls, since we need it for foxes and raccoons, not horses. 

This morning the sun is shining, the air is crisp and fresh and it is a beautiful day.  The birds are singing and the flowers are in full bloom.  And I am grateful to be alive.  Although my back pain was bad first thing this morning, it is going away already, without medication.  I am going to get up and stretch it out more today so I don't stiffen up again, like yesterday. 

I may even go for a walk.  But I do still have work to do, and I should get to it. 

Day 5: The How

Yesterday we received in the mail a packet of information on financing for farms, construction loans and log cabins.  There is a bank that specializes in those services and we are doing a little research on it. 

I'm finding it hard to get over the "I don't deserve it - everything I do fails" mindset.  I look back on my life and see so many places where I've made mistakes.  I see many places where I've taken my life on a turn for the worse, rather than better.  I worry that this dream of mine, of ours, is just that: a dream.  It is very hard for me to believe that good things will come from where I am now.  On the one hand I am tired of settling my whole life on what is available rather than what I want.  I want to have a log cabin on a farm.  But the how is daunting. 

And yes, if you've watched the Secret you've seen them tell you to forget about the how, let the Universe take care of it.  But that doesn't seem practical, or reasonable.  This is a complicated dream to make into a reality and figuring out how it is going to happen seems too important. 

But that isn't really putting faith in the Universe.  And it isn't believing that it will happen.  It is doubt.  And doubt will lead to failure.  As it has through my life in the past. 

I want to build a log cabin on a farm.  I want to raise bison.  I want to do photography and quilting and woodworking as hobbies, that may provide some minor income.  I want to have a farm that supports itself.  I want to be able to work part time teaching economics at a community college so I can work most of my time on the farm. 

These are the dreams I have.  I don't want to settle.  I want to believe in the power of the Universe to help me find a way to make these dreams happen.  And I don't want to wait.  I want it to happen now.  I am ready to realize my dreams and wake up to my new life. 

And we are back to the purpose of this blog.  I need to dedicate time every day to focusing on my dreams and goals and put energy into their existence.  And that is what I am doing.  I believe this can and will happen.  I am grateful for the opportunity to share my dreams with whomever may be listening.  I am grateful for my dreams.

When I close my eyes, I can see the view from my porch over looking the barn, overlooking the woods, with the bison pasture on the other side.  I see my home office where I am able to run our farm, and manage our finances.  I can smell the fire burning in the fireplace.  I can hear the sounds of nature all around us, and the boys playing in the woods, in the creek.  I can see the electric fence around the bison.  I can hear the alpaca baying in the night to scare away the coyotes.  I can taste the fresh eggs and bison meat.  I can feel the handmade alpaca wool socks.  I can see the craft room where Donny can work on his mosaics and I can do my quilting.  I can see the woodshop where I can tinker on building furniture.

I believe in the power of the Universe.  I believe in this dream.  And I know that it will happen.  I won't settle for less.  Not any more.  My dream is my reality. 

Day 4 - Enjoying the day so much I almost forgot

I almost forgot to post today.  I guess that is a good sign.  I was busy today.  Working on the yard, cleaning up the pond, fixing the aviary, repairing the rabbit hutch.  I spent the day doing things that I love doing.  I was working with our animals and making our animal sanctuary one step closer to full reality. 

And that is the best way to live the law of attraction.  Doing what I love and enjoying doing it.  I was able to spend the whole day working and completely forget about the "tasks" I should be doing to follow the Law of Attraction.