Day 5: The How

Yesterday we received in the mail a packet of information on financing for farms, construction loans and log cabins.  There is a bank that specializes in those services and we are doing a little research on it. 

I'm finding it hard to get over the "I don't deserve it - everything I do fails" mindset.  I look back on my life and see so many places where I've made mistakes.  I see many places where I've taken my life on a turn for the worse, rather than better.  I worry that this dream of mine, of ours, is just that: a dream.  It is very hard for me to believe that good things will come from where I am now.  On the one hand I am tired of settling my whole life on what is available rather than what I want.  I want to have a log cabin on a farm.  But the how is daunting. 

And yes, if you've watched the Secret you've seen them tell you to forget about the how, let the Universe take care of it.  But that doesn't seem practical, or reasonable.  This is a complicated dream to make into a reality and figuring out how it is going to happen seems too important. 

But that isn't really putting faith in the Universe.  And it isn't believing that it will happen.  It is doubt.  And doubt will lead to failure.  As it has through my life in the past. 

I want to build a log cabin on a farm.  I want to raise bison.  I want to do photography and quilting and woodworking as hobbies, that may provide some minor income.  I want to have a farm that supports itself.  I want to be able to work part time teaching economics at a community college so I can work most of my time on the farm. 

These are the dreams I have.  I don't want to settle.  I want to believe in the power of the Universe to help me find a way to make these dreams happen.  And I don't want to wait.  I want it to happen now.  I am ready to realize my dreams and wake up to my new life. 

And we are back to the purpose of this blog.  I need to dedicate time every day to focusing on my dreams and goals and put energy into their existence.  And that is what I am doing.  I believe this can and will happen.  I am grateful for the opportunity to share my dreams with whomever may be listening.  I am grateful for my dreams.

When I close my eyes, I can see the view from my porch over looking the barn, overlooking the woods, with the bison pasture on the other side.  I see my home office where I am able to run our farm, and manage our finances.  I can smell the fire burning in the fireplace.  I can hear the sounds of nature all around us, and the boys playing in the woods, in the creek.  I can see the electric fence around the bison.  I can hear the alpaca baying in the night to scare away the coyotes.  I can taste the fresh eggs and bison meat.  I can feel the handmade alpaca wool socks.  I can see the craft room where Donny can work on his mosaics and I can do my quilting.  I can see the woodshop where I can tinker on building furniture.

I believe in the power of the Universe.  I believe in this dream.  And I know that it will happen.  I won't settle for less.  Not any more.  My dream is my reality.