Dieting

So it has been a little while since I've posted here.  And I've felt some stagnation in my goals.  So I know it's time to step up.  I need to keep writing out my goals, my vision for the future.  And I need to worry less about HOW I am going to get there. 

Currently I am starting a diet.  I have wanted to lose weight for a while now, but haven't been sure about how/when to start the process.  I've been having a lot of back pain, so exercise is difficult, and some days not possible.  At the same time, I have 4 kids and a spouse all living on my income.  So we can't do expensive diet programs like Weight Watchers or Nutrasystem.  We also can't always afford the fresh vegetables and fruits and meats that are better for you.  Instead we have in the past relied too heavily on processed foods full of carbs and empty calories. 

And now I am starting a high-protein, low-carb diet.  A good friend of mine and my husband's recently lost over 40 pounds using this method.  So that inspired us to try it.  We did our weekly grocery shopping and bought a lot more meat, and a lot less carbs.  We didn't eliminate them completely, since we do have kids who need to stick with a balanced diet. 

We started this yesterday and it was different.  Eating just the meat and cheese for a sandwich, without bread, mayo, and tomatoes was odd.  And it's becoming clear that it requires more changes to your eating habits to accommodate the different types of food we are eating.  And Donny still can't believe that you can eat bacon, and eggs, and sausage, and hamburgers. 

But we both have a goal in mind.  I still have some pants with a 34 inch waist that I am determined to get back into.  I also have an image in my head, and on my vision board of what I should look like.  I don't want a chiseled chest and abs.  But I do want definition.  I want to see some muscle tone.  I want a flat stomach, a 34 in waist, and pecs (not manboobs).  You can check out an image of how I want to look here. 

For me, this is about more than just looking right.  I want a total health experience.  I need to lower my cholesterol and my doctor thinks that I can do it without medication.  I want more energy.  I do want to look good in a bathing suit (or at least without a shirt).  I also want to feel good.  I want to get rid of my back pain.  I want to be able to run or bike with my kids. 

Ideal Dayt

I got to lay in bed for a few minutes picturing my ideal day.

It begins (and ends) in bed, in my king size adjustable tempurpedic bed. I wake feeling rested from a sound sleep to the sounds of a Zen alarm clock. I walk from the master suite to the custom kitchen of our custom built rustic cedar log cabin. I make some coffee and head back to the bathroom where I shower in the hand-tiled mosaic shower. Then I get dressed for work (jeans, T-shirt, boots), grab my iPad, iPhone, and bag and head out to the garage to get into my F250 with off-road suspension, and tool boxes full of medical supplies. I turn on the satellite radio, punch in the first address to the GPS and start off on a day of treating farm animals.

Lunch is with Donny at a cute little cafe near his hospice. Then back to the animals.

In the evening, I come home to have dinner with my family, steaks on the grill. After dinner, and the boys are done their homework, I sit down at the computer and review the invoices for the day, using the electronic scanner to deposit checks and securing the cash until I can get to the bank.

After some TV (and Facebook of course), I get to climb back into that bed and drift off to sleep naturally.

My Calling

One of the biggest issues I've had with all of this is trying to envision what I could do for a living.  I've kept saying I want to be able to take care of our animals, but worried that I wouldn't be able to support our family just from the farm.  Then it hit me. 

I should be a veterinarian.  It is the perfect choice for me.  I love animals.  I love caring for animals, and I could take care of our animals. 

Most importantly, it feels right.  I want to do this.  And I can clearly see myself doing this.  I can specialize in either large animals, like cows and horses (and bison) or exotic animals and treat foxes, raccoons, lions, tigers, etc.  I could even get a job at The Wilds and treat all the animals there.  I'm really excited about this decision. 

There is a lot to figure out to get there, but I'm sure I can do it.  I have to take a lot of undergraduate classes before I can even apply to the program, but I am not worried about it.  I just know that it will work out. 

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

There is so much I need to tell you.  I have spent the past couple of weeks thinking about our relationship, about you, about how I’ve allowed you to control me.  And I have so many questions.  How can you be so selfish?  How can you be so shallow?  Can you really only care about money and appearances?  Do you really only care about what others think?  Are you incapable of defining your own worth without money or without the opinions of others? 

I am so angry with you still.  And the more I think about it, all I can find is that you have been this way my entire life.  So I need to list out all the examples of your selfish beliefs. 

1.     I have a picture of you from when you were pregnant with me, wearing a T-shirt that reads, “Tax Break”, with an arrow pointing to your stomach.

2.     When Dad bought his mom a car, you had to have the same one

3.     Although you claim that Dad needed you to have fur coat, you kept it long after you were divorced, because you wanted to give it to a daughter-in-law or granddaughter. 

4.     During your divorce, you fought over money that dad claimed was for Paige’s education.  Regardless of where that money came from, if you really cared about Paige the way you claimed, you would have rather let that money go to her than fight about it. 

5.     When Dad died, you contested the will because he used a portion of his life insurance to pay off his mother’s debt to you.  He knew you fight it, and that you would be a bitch to a grieving a mother about the money. 

6.     When I was living in DE, you offered me about $8-$10K as a down payment on a condo.  It was only after I contacted a realtor, looked at several places, and was ready to make an offer that you changed your mind and decided not to give it to me. 

7.     The fact that you handed over EVERY photo you have from when you were married to Dad says that you never really cared about him. 

8.     You married Dad very shortly after meeting him.  In the late seventies, you were a 30 year-old single woman with no kids.  It was socially unacceptable, and so you found dad, married him, and had kids.

9.     You bragged about not having to use coupons, but told Jon & I we couldn’t afford designer clothes.  But you certainly could.

10. A dried floral arrangement that I made for you was casually discarded as just trash.

11. You may have been pregnant with me when you married Dad, and had to get married quickly at City Hall before anyone found out. 

12. Lynn once told me that she wished she could have stayed in touch with me, if it hadn’t been for you.  I now think I know what she meant.  You blocked us from access to our family because you didn’t like them.  They were too southern for you. 

13. Since I told you 3 weeks ago that I never wanted to talk to you again, you just walked away.  Like it didn’t matter to you at all. 

14. It is clear that you favor your attorney son with a wife and 2 kids over your gay analyst son with 4 adopted minority children. 

15. As long as I can remember you have pushed me to be a doctor, or a businessman, despite my desires to be scientist or an architect or a photographer.  Those things that I wanted didn’t measure up as real jobs in your mind. 

16. When my family was in danger of losing our house, you were more concerned about paying a few bucks in fees to the bank than in helping us. 

17. When you wanted to be involved in my schooling, you had to become the president of the Board of Education.  You had to be in charge.  You had to make sure that teachers knew it was Nina Kelty’s kids in that classroom. 

18. I was your favorite student, as long as I was getting straight As.  When I started to slip, you said, “You’re smarter than that, you should be getting As!”  Dad said, “Did you try your hardest?”  I know you don’t see the difference, but it makes a huge difference to a boy who is struggling in school.  It’s the difference between saying, “Can you do better?” and saying, “You need to do better.”

19. Only once could you be bothered to take my brother and I to see my Dad when he was dying in the hospital. 

20. When you divorced Dad, we looked at several places to live, and buy before you settled on renting a small home.  This was probably because you had to look like you had less money and couldn’t afford something nicer. 

21. Once you did move you chose the “right” zip code close to the beach. 

22. When you bought the condo near the beach, you told me I could always call it home, despite not having a bedroom, and having to sleep in the basement. 

23. You used the fact that Dad bought a bike as evidence that he was hiding money from you during the divorce. 

24. You were insulted that Paige and Allison didn’t invite you to their weddings, but never bothered to talk to them after the divorce. 

25. You assumed that I should automatically know how to manage credit and money despite going out of your way to hide your finances from me as a child. 

26. When I needed a new water heater and had to have work done on my furnace and car, you offered to help with a decent some of money.  Then you sent FAR less than offered.  Enough less to be an insult rather than assistance.  Then you had the audacity to ask for a tax receipt for a donation to the non-profit I started.  Even though you wanted the money back! 

27. You couldn’t be inconvenienced to travel to Ohio to be there for my children’s adoptions, or adoption party.  And the best excuse you could come up with was because you were going on a cruise the week after!

28. When you confronted me about being gay, and I confirmed your worst fears, you couldn’t accept me until you had asked enough other people if it was okay to have a gay son.  It was only when you realized it was socially acceptable could you tolerate it. 

Basically Mom, this is a short list of the insults you have given to me over my lifetime.  At least the ones I can remember right now.  I know there are more.  You are a cold careless manipulative Bitch who is much more concerned with how society sees you than what your kids think of you. 

Well I’ll tell you what I think of you.  I hate you.  I can’t stand you.  I want nothing from you ever again, because it is never given in love.  It is given as a means of controlling me.  You give money because you have plenty of it, and can attach strings to it.  I owe you approximately $7000 and I intend to repay you every penny.   But you owe me so much more.  You owe me a lifetime of apologies for atrocities and abuses that you can’t even understand, let alone actually feel sorry for. 

And now that I have removed myself from your life, it will just be easier for you to brag about the good son.  The one who shares your aspirations of societal approval.  You can just ignore the fact that you ever had a gay son.  And now I’m sure that makes you even happier as I have 4 adopted minority children with drug exposure in their past and various troubles in school.  I want to quit my job at the bank to start a farm.  I want to be a photographer and architect. 

You know, I will never understand what isn’t acceptable enough about being a marine biologist, or an astrophysicist, or an architect.  The best I can figure is that you can’t easily enough explain what they do.  And they don’t make enough money.  I’m sure you were thrilled when I took this job at the bank.  At least you could brag about your son the banker.  I’m sure that was impressive enough for your NJ/FL friends. 

What you don’t know, and now never will is how happy I am doing what I love.  How much I love my kids, the way you never could.  I know that Dad always wanted to buy a farm in Montana (or somewhere) but “couldn’t figure out how to make it work”.  My guess now is that you wouldn’t allow him.  And he didn’t live long enough after you to try.  Dad spent money to be happy.  You spend money to be accepted. 

It has taken me 34 years to realize what kind of person you truly are.  And I’m sorry I ever knew you.  And I regret wasting so much of my life trying to please you instead of being true to myself. 

Photography

You know, something I've always dreamed of doing professionally is photography.  And lately that bug has really been eating at me.  So I'm giving it a try.  I'm not sure how (that'll come).  And there are a lot of reasons not to do it.  I don't have a camera.  I can't afford a professional camera right now.  I have no network, or portfolio, or connections.  And with all the other things going on in my life right now, I have no idea when I'm going to be able to focus on this.  But I'm taking the first step.

I am committing to trying photography.  I spent yesterday and today dying Easter eggs and celebrating Easter with some very good friends.  And I took a lot of photos.  And I don't think they are just snapshots.  OK, some of them are.  But it was a family event and I'm very proud and, and grateful for my family.  I am posting a few of the better ones here.  Comments welcome.

And I can imagine myself buying that Hasselblad that I want.  I can see myself spending a Saturday at a wedding.  I have a studio where I can do the traditional staged portraits.  But I also see myself taking and selling more artistic photography.  I see an opening at a gallery.  I see people buying my photos.

A check in the mail.

Today I received a check in the mail!  It was only for $120, but it was a check.  And it was $120 that I wasn't planning on or expecting.  This is a sign to me that I can see the law of attraction working.  I can see me shaping my life.  It isn't much, but is a start.  And it gives me hope to dream for bigger and better things. 

Why I'm grateful:
1.  True friends, who you know would do anything they can to help you.
2.  Unexpected money
3.  Bringing Noah's Arc Sanctuary to Gay Pride again this year.
4.  My oldest son's graduation at the end of May
5.  Meditation
6.  The full moon
7.  Candle magic
8.  Our new car
9.  Hiking in the woods and getting lost on your own property
10.  Success

In the movie The Secret, there is one scene when one of the speakers is describing vision boards.  And he talks about explaining them to his son.  He pulls one out to show his son and the words, "The Best Measure of Success is Joy" is written on it.

I just love that message.  I love what that implies.  And it has helped me to understand that I need to spend more time living in joy. 

So now to my vision:

Today I focus again on money.  I would like to receive $5000 in unexpected income within the next 30 days.  I don't know where this could come from.  I don't know how to get this money.  But I am asking for it.  And I believe that it will come.  I know that it will come.  So I see myself spending it.  I see myself going to the mailbox and opening the envelope that holds this check.  There is a short letter included to explain where it has come from and why I am receiving it now. 

Or I see myself getting an email stating that this money has been sent through PayPal to Noah's Arc Sanctuary, the non-profit animal sanctuary that I started a few years ago.

I can feel the momentary disbelief that I feel as I receive this wonderful gift.  I immediately start planning what this money is for.  I am making the plans for Gay Pride for Noah's Arc to have a float in the parade, and a booth to take pictures with our Ohio wildlife.  I am buying the camera and software that I need to be able to take these photos.  I am planning my son's graduation party and ordering his class ring.  I am thrilled to have this money, knowing how much stress this relieves.  I treat my family to a dinner out at a nice restaurant, to be grateful for this money and for the ability to use this money to make this world a better place, just a little at a time. 

Ok, so I forgot a couple of days.

Well this past week has been a roller coaster of a ride.  It seems I didn’t know what was happening half the time and the other half it was changing so quickly that I couldn’t keep up.  But it all worked out in the end. 
We were able to pay for the mortgage to keep the house out of foreclosure.  We were able to extend our time to put the down payment on the land, so we aren’t losing that.  On the down side, we did sell our Suburban and are down to one car for a short time.  But that will change in a few weeks. 
I’ve learned a lot about the law of attraction this week.  How it can work in extremely unexpected ways, how you have to follow through with inspiration because you never know what may come of it. 
Now we are looking at a smaller car when we are ready to replace the suburban.  Not too much smaller because it still needs to seat 6 with room for dogs and luggage (although that can go in trailer or on a roof rack).  We are back to planning for the cabin, although it looks like our timeline may have shifted.  We have a lot of ideas about what we want, but few ideas about how to get there, or how quickly to get there. 
But the important thing is that we are getting there.  We haven’t had to lose anything on our dreams and we continue to make progress toward them.  And I feel really good about that.  I feel very optimistic now.
So things I am grateful for:
1.    Our land, 45 acres of undeveloped woods and pasture in eastern Ohio. 
2.    Donny’s mom & her husband, whose help through our crisis made a huge difference
3.    Donny is again excited about and interested in the law of attraction
4.    I am starting physical therapy to get my back better
5.    Great new friends who share in my excitement for following my dreams
6.    Boating, whether leisurely sailing or powerboating and waterskiing, just being out on the water
7.    Weekend outings.  Taking the kids out to the farm for a day, or going to the zoo, or picking strawberries.
8.    Organizing my time, so that I minimize the need to multi-task.  When I am focused on a project, I am singularly focused on that project.
9.    Knowing there is enough money to buy the things I need and want, without having to plan and save for every small purchase
10.    A newer, smaller, more fuel efficient car that can seat 6 comfortably and tow a small livestock trailer.
My vision:
Today I want to focus on a specific scene.  It is the day we move Gretchen, our Icelandic horse to the farm.  Specifically, I see the moment that I pull onto the farm.  I am driving my burgundy Ford F250 Crew Cab, towing the livestock trailer.  I drive down Hoop Pole Rd and come over the hill before reaching our land.  And there is the driveway.  It is a gravel trail that stretches down from the road into the pasture and then back up to the house and barn, beyond the treeline.  It is a warm spring day and the air is heavy with the fragrance of flowering trees.  The windows are open in the truck and I can hear Gretchen shifting her wait in the trailer behind me.  As I start down the driveway, the trailer hitch groans and squeaks.  The gravel under the tires crushes and crumbles together, further compacting into place.  I check my mirrors to make sure the trailer is okay on the steep incline that leads us down and back up to the barn area.  It is mid-morning, and Eddie is in the truck with me.  I sip my still warm coffee, with French vanilla creamer.  Eddie and I have finished our McDonalds breakfast and the paper bag and wrappers are thrown in the back. 
The barn isn’t there yet and there is still work to be done on the house.  But it is liveable and Gretchen is just one of the many animals we need to move this week.  Because of the distance, we are moving just a few animals each day.  Then we work on the house and barn for the remainder of the day, before settling in for the night, or driving back to Dayton.